DUCT TAPE God's Little Problem Solver

3 PART True Life Poor People Series
Part 1

If you are a young poor (redundant) person (most likely scenario) then you probably only know duct tape as Dad's little household helper and marriage fixer for when he causes minor major damage when fixing things only experienced (re: expensive) professionals should do.



But besides a marriage, duct tape can fix so many other things!

Smart poor people know the value of a $2.89 roll of duct tape can add up to a lot of savings in the long run.

For example:
Say you are riding in your really nice acceptable car like a toytoa camry, honda civic, hyundai elantra, gmc pontiac down the road having a good time probably eating something from a fastfood place because they are willing to sacrifice quality for price (good for poor people!!)

Enjoying the taste of saving money you probably were not looking out and ran into someone. Not having insurance of any kind (i.e. dental, medical, apartment)- because poor people or even middle class should not have the right to affordable healthcare in the most wealthy country in the world- prevents you from claiming an EXPENSIVE trip to the repair shop (or hospital, etc). What is a poor person to do:

















This poor person probably saved HUNDREDs if HUNDREDS OF HUNDREDS of dollars. This poor person not being a mechanic estimates the damage to be about $14,000. Well that's lot of money! Now let's add that up to our other uses of duct tape...

Part 2 and 3 to be continued when we get our electricity turned back on...

hairdryer microwave

it's hard to believe, but even in a super classy country like america some people don't even have microwaves.

these devices are very sexy with their accelerated warming features and prosaic beep to notify you when your food has finished. but what most people don't realize is that besides the initial investment, microwaves can take a huge financial toll. they not only require the occasional cleaning AND can cost up to tens of dollars PER year.
here is the breakdown

$35 = microwave
$0.75 = water usage for bi-annual cleaning
$22.37 = electricity used per year
$56.12 = REAL cost of having microwave

as an alternative we suggest the following for our fellow poor people.
the hair dryer is a highly versatile tool, which not only has beautification properties, but culinary as well. we highly suggest using it at your max power setting and holding it no less than .83" away from cold food products.
if you are really poor setting your food out on the windowsill on a really hot day (over 85 degrees is recommended) will also work. (note we do not advise this for seafood or raw meats, but then again if you are really poor you are probably just warming leftover mac and cheese).








below listed are tips4poorpeople TOP hairdryer picks for 2009:
1. fad fusion
2. ebay
3. lil bird

shampoo, a jack of all trades

Every day, hundreds of people clean things with soap.  Typically, one will use a different kind of soap depending on the particular task.  Washing the dishes, washing one's hair, one's hands, one's clothes, one's face, one's body; all these things typically require a specialized kind of soap, totaling literally hundreds and hundreds of dollars a year.  

What if there was one kind of soap that could eradicate the use of all those other, fancy specialized soaps?  There certainly is that thing.

Use bulk shampoo in any cleaning situation.  While notably rough on sensitive face skin and known to leave a film on clean dishes as well as one's body after bathing, Shampoo is an excellent alternative to more expensive, specialty soaps.  Mix with water for different consistencies, a 1 to 3 ratio is recommended for both a hand soap situation and a dish soap alternative. 

Reccomended Shampoos for 2009

Lucky Kentucky

Suave

Queen Helene

   

Air Conditioning Alternatives

While some like it hot, some like it cold.  In the summer months, costly climate control is an impossibility.  While many sweat it out, resorting to cold showers, oscillating fans and tank tops, there are untapped possibilities for a more comfortable summer. 

Simply get an inexpensive bucket, fill it up with water and freeze it.  At night stack up several suitcases next to your bed to create a bed-side table. Place the bucket of frozen ice on top of the suitcases, and position your oscillating fan so that it blows the surface of the bucket of ice, blowing cheap cold air into your face as you sleep. 

If the cost of two suitcases, a fan and a bucket has got you down, consider this fresh alternative. Simply take the shirt off your back, dunk it in water and freeze it for a more affordable alternative to the alternative mentioned above. 

 

 

plan b? how about plan d.

even poor people gotta have their sexy time!

so it's happened to every poor lady, you go to some dank poor person bar in the east village (most likely this is cheap shots) and meet the man of your 11th beer dreams. of course being the cautious and thrifty person that you are, you probably picked up one of nyc's free condoms in anticipation of the night's (*very) sloppily executed sexual activities.

(dramatic re inaction)


unfortunately for you, statistics have repeatedly (over and over again) proven that the effectiveness of nyc condoms has a direct and reverse relation to cost.

bummer.

what's a poor sexy lady to do? well, since you're also a smart poor sexy lady you would have known to save that half used pack of birth control pills from last year. since plan b is simply a super dose of estrogen, downing those 4 unused pills can save you an expensive visit to planned parenthood (since you probably don't have real health insurance).

please note it is highly recommended that you not use the placebo pills in this situation. as the real placebo effect will not supplant a real baby.

disclaimer: not being real doctors and just real poor people, we claim no medical or legal legitimacy to this besides having heard it from a friend of a friend, who heard it from someone. please consult your nearest medical advisor (doctor) or if not able to afford one, you can read this article from columbia (the school) which we googled ourselves.

The Hobo Donut

Does the exorbitant cost of a sweet donut make you sour?  What if there was a way to purchase ingredients in bulk and significantly reduce the cost, but not at all the experience of your favorite bakery item?  

Luckily there is a way.  Purchase a loaf of white bread at your local discount supermarket and a your choice of reasonably priced bar chocolate.  Simply make a sandwich and enjoy the approximate taste and experience of a freshly baked donut while marveling at your incredible savings.

2 Dozen Donuts at Dunkin' Donuts:  $12.00

2 Dozen Donut Alternatives: $4.09

Loaf of Bread: $1.09

Chocolate: $3.00

Substitute Chocolate for Raisons for a more affordable twist and mature flavor.

 

Say Goodbye to Costly Paper towels, Kleenexes and Dish Rags

A common misconception when it comes to poor people is that rags are cheap.  On the contrary, basic 'wiping' needs are not met with out a significant cost, an estimated $5.00 a month, which adds up significantly over the coarse of a lifetime.

Most poor people have taken the obvious fool-proof approach of taking paper products in the form of toilet paper, paper towels, and tiny restaurant napkins from public places, but there is another way.

Use a regular sports sock as a dish rag, a Kleenex, a washcloth, or a small guest towel, then simply wash it and use it as a sock again.  Sport socks can also double as a padded case for expensive electronics that you most likely don't have, a coin sack for ground pennies, and a glasses case.